Over the many years that I\u2019ve practiced law and written a syndicated legal advice column, business-owner couples have asked a personal question that I am always happy to answer:<\/p>\n
\u201cAs you and your wife decided to have one child \u2013 and we are thinking along the same lines \u2013 but are worried about the challenge of not spoiling an only child. Have you any recommendations, or something on point that we can read because, frankly, we are getting static from parents on both sides who feel that a family means two children, unless you want to raise one entitled brat,\u201d thanks, \u201cBecky.\u201d<\/p>\n
Recently, I received an advance copy of an excellent \u201cinstruction manual\u201d for couples grappling with these same issues \u2013 wanting just one child. I had the most enjoyable interview with the author, Social Psychologist Susan Newman, Ph.D.<\/p>\n
\u201cA boy for you, a girl for me and a white picket fence – those days are gone, but the worry \u2013 the guilt feelings and negative stigma of only having one child \u2013 is still very real and the basis for a lot of false information. That\u2019s why I wrote Just One – The New Science, Secrets and Joy of Parenting an Only Child,” she said.<\/p>\n
She also wrote The Book of No: 365 Ways to Say It and Mean It \u2015 and Stop People-Pleasing Forever. It addresses saying NO to your children whatever their ages and why that\u2019s important. It is also a super read.<\/p>\n
We\u2019ve all heard the warning that, if you are going to have children, then you\u2019ve got to have more than one.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe terribly flawed research in the 1880’s of psychologist G. Stanley Hall for created beliefs that having just one child meant you would wind up with a misfit – jealous, selfish, egotistical, dependent, aggressive, domineering and quarrelsome.<\/p>\n
\u201cToday we are not hearing that,\u201d she points out, but she is quick to add, \u201cThe challenges of raising an only child are very real.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHaving one heathy kid,” as Newman observes, \u201coften works out best\u00a0 because business parents are busy and emotionally concerned that they are meeting their child\u2019s needs.\u201d<\/p>\n
She underscores, \u201cWith one child you are not double and triple torn. It is far better to have one little person pulling on your strings and raising your guilt level, as opposed to two or three.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut I can\u2019t stress enough the importance of setting up a plan where you and your employees do not stay at the office every night until 9:30. Also, tell your employees that you value their spending time with their own families, so everyone comes out a winner – especially the children who will see that mom and dad really do want to be with them. It is the best way to retain good people who respect the boss for that concern.\u201d<\/p>\n
Just One is filled with examples of the things parents of an only child, who work very long hours, must avoid doing. Topping her list: Compensating their guilt by doing everything for their children and giving them everything they want can dramatically hinder their development into well-rounded, successful adults.<\/p>\n
\u2013 Their kid wants a new bike, the latest gadget, you name it, and if they get in trouble,\u00a0 \u00a0 mom or dad are always there to bail them out.<\/p>\n
\u2013 This behavior has life-long consequences, for, by saying \u2018yes\u2019 to all their demands, you are setting up your child to feel entitled to whatever he wants whenever he wants it. You are giving him a master class in praying on your guilty feelings. Constantly throwing money at a child leads to long-term damage, and can create a self-indulgent, me me person, in effect, a narcissist who can\u2019t think of the needs that others have.<\/p>\n
\u2013 When they get in the real world, no one wants to be involved with a narcissist or someone who feels they must always be the center of attention, doing thing their way. The lesson that \u201cfriends are not like family and will walk away,\u201d can be bitter<\/p>\n
Newman cites the importance of giving children chores:<\/p>\n
\u2013 The 85 year Harvard Study of Adult Development found that people who did age appropriate chores during childhood often had more professional success and happiness later in life.<\/p>\n
\u2013 Chores at home make children feel capable and an important part of the family – an attitude that will serve them well as they grow up.<\/p>\n
There is so much good, practical, accessible advice in Just One. For couples fearful of having just one child – Newman\u2019s book takes that fear away. It is one of the best books on family life that I\u2019ve come across.<\/p>\n
Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield and welcomes comments and questions from readers, which may be faxed to 661-323-7993, or emailed to Lagombeaver1@gmail.com. Also, visit dennisbeaver.com.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Over the many years that I\u2019ve practiced law and written a syndicated legal advice column, business-owner couples have asked a personal question that I am always happy to answer:\u00a0What do you do if you only want one kid?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":157,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[55,106,105],"tags":[176],"feature":[],"location":[],"type-of-work":[],"coauthors":[11230],"class_list":["post-3654798","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-business","category-columnists","category-opinion","tag-newsletter"],"post_status":"","edit_last":0,"edit_lock":0,"highlights":"","original_byline":"","original_canonical":"","original_category":"","original_email":"","original_id":0,"original_pubdate":"","original_source":"","primary_section":"","primary_tag":0,"print_workflow_body":{"deck_headline":"You and the Law","print_title":"Yes, you can run a business and be a good parent to an only child","print_subheadline":"","print_priority":"","print_placement":"cover","print_planned_ready":"","print_pub_date":"1752303600","print_slug":"MCH-L-BEAVER-COL-0712","print_budget_line":"","print_excerpt":"Over the many years that I\u2019ve practiced law and written a syndicated legal advice column, business-owner couples have asked a personal question that I am always happy to answer:\u00a0What do you do if you only want one kid?","print_notes":"","photo_limits":"Photo limits are: 1 featured image, 5 featured gallery images, 5 embedded gallery images and 5 in-article embedded images. Articles that exceed these limits will not export. Please adjust images to reflect these limits.","print_featured_gallery_richtext":"","print_inline_galleries_richtext":"","print_inline_images_richtext":"","print_content":" Over the many years that I\u2019ve practiced law and written a syndicated legal advice column, business-owner couples have asked a personal question that I am always happy to answer:<\/p> \u201cAs you and your wife decided to have one child \u2013 and we are thinking along the same lines \u2013 but are worried about the challenge of not spoiling an only child. Have you any recommendations, or something on point that we can read because, frankly, we are getting static from parents on both sides who feel that a family means two children, unless you want to raise one entitled brat,\u201d thanks, \u201cBecky.\u201d<\/p> Recently, I received an advance copy of an excellent \u201cinstruction manual\u201d for couples grappling with these same issues \u2013 wanting just one child. I had the most enjoyable interview with the author, Social Psychologist Susan Newman, Ph.D.<\/p> \u201cA boy for you, a girl for me and a white picket fence - those days are gone, but the worry \u2013 the guilt feelings and negative stigma of only having one child \u2013 is still very real and the basis for a lot of false information. That\u2019s why I wrote Just One - The New Science, Secrets and Joy of Parenting an Only Child,\" she said.<\/p> She also wrote The Book of No: 365 Ways to Say It and Mean It \u2015 and Stop People-Pleasing Forever. It addresses saying NO to your children whatever their ages and why that\u2019s important. It is also a super read.<\/p> We\u2019ve all heard the warning that, if you are going to have children, then you\u2019ve got to have more than one.<\/p> \u201cThe terribly flawed research in the 1880's of psychologist G. Stanley Hall for created beliefs that having just one child meant you would wind up with a misfit - jealous, selfish, egotistical, dependent, aggressive, domineering and quarrelsome.<\/p> \u201cToday we are not hearing that,\u201d she points out, but she is quick to add, \u201cThe challenges of raising an only child are very real.\u201d<\/p> \u201cHaving one heathy kid,\" as Newman observes, \u201coften works out best\u00a0 because business parents are busy and emotionally concerned that they are meeting their child\u2019s needs.\u201d<\/p> She underscores, \u201cWith one child you are not double and triple torn. It is far better to have one little person pulling on your strings and raising your guilt level, as opposed to two or three.<\/p> \u201cBut I can\u2019t stress enough the importance of setting up a plan where you and your employees do not stay at the office every night until 9:30. Also, tell your employees that you value their spending time with their own families, so everyone comes out a winner - especially the children who will see that mom and dad really do want to be with them. It is the best way to retain good people who respect the boss for that concern.\u201d<\/p> Just One is filled with examples of the things parents of an only child, who work very long hours, must avoid doing. Topping her list: Compensating their guilt by doing everything for their children and giving them everything they want can dramatically hinder their development into well-rounded, successful adults.<\/p> \u2013 Their kid wants a new bike, the latest gadget, you name it, and if they get in trouble,\u00a0 \u00a0 mom or dad are always there to bail them out.<\/p> \u2013 This behavior has life-long consequences, for, by saying \u2018yes\u2019 to all their demands, you are setting up your child to feel entitled to whatever he wants whenever he wants it. You are giving him a master class in praying on your guilty feelings. Constantly throwing money at a child leads to long-term damage, and can create a self-indulgent, me me person, in effect, a narcissist who can\u2019t think of the needs that others have.<\/p> \u2013 When they get in the real world, no one wants to be involved with a narcissist or someone who feels they must always be the center of attention, doing thing their way. The lesson that \u201cfriends are not like family and will walk away,\u201d can be bitter<\/p> Newman cites the importance of giving children chores:<\/p> \u2013 The 85 year Harvard Study of Adult Development found that people who did age appropriate chores during childhood often had more professional success and happiness later in life.<\/p> \u2013 Chores at home make children feel capable and an important part of the family - an attitude that will serve them well as they grow up.<\/p> There is so much good, practical, accessible advice in Just One. For couples fearful of having just one child - Newman\u2019s book takes that fear away. It is one of the best books on family life that I\u2019ve come across.<\/p> Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield and welcomes comments and questions from readers, which may be faxed to 661-323-7993, or emailed to Lagombeaver1@gmail.com. Also, visit dennisbeaver.com.<\/em><\/p>"},"print_workflow_exported_ts":"1752257567","print_workflow_exported_username":"Arianna Nalbach","print_workflow_shapes":"","print_workflow_side":{"print_section":"414","print_status":"410","add_export_buttons":"","print_endpoint":"norcal"},"really_short_title":"","short_title":"","syndication_source":"","market_neutral_title":"","social_title":"","dfm_hub_post_id":0,"paywall_level":"premium","featured_media_content":{"content_type":"image","content":[],"data":[[]],"rendered_content":""},"attachments":[],"authors":[{"ID":3652583,"display_name":"H Dennis Beaver","description":"","first_name":"H. 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Reasons why one child for business owners is often a good choice<\/h4>
Avoid these mistakes with a single child<\/h4>
Giving them chores leads to success and happiness in life<\/h4>